Dr. Hugh’s Miracle Weight Loss Program

Originally posted on September 19, 2010

It all started when my wife and I were at the local vegetable market.  I was standing off to the side when I saw my wife and the market lady in a serious discussion – pointing over at me.  Later I asked my wife what that was all about.

Sorry, this isn’t me yet.

“She thought that you might be a retired Thai soap opera star” my wife said (which is not that farfetched since I am Eurasian and just about 50% of all Thai soap opera stars are half-Thai and half western).  “She said that you were handsome enough but when she saw your big belly she realized you were just another overweight Farang.” (Note for Expat men just arriving in Thailand: Everyone will call you handsome no matter how old or fat you are. So don’t let it go to your head.)

After many years of having a waist line that seems to have had a mind of its own, I have decided to do something about it.  For a long time I had no idea that my belly was doing its own thing without consulting with me.  I would look in the mirror and I thought I looked just fine.  The fact was that I always looked at myself straight on.  Then finally I caught a glimpse of myself from the side. “What the hell was that sticking out of my middle? There used to be a six-pack there.” I thought.

Well, that market lady let me know.  Now if my belly was holding me back from movie stardom, then it was time to lose the belly and start dreaming of the silver screen.

Caveat:  What follows could be construed as medical advice.  I am not a doctor, even though I play one on the Internet.  So any medical or exercise advice I give you may want to seriously ignore. Better yet, get a real doctor’s advice before doing any dieting or exercise.

The easiest way to describe my miracle weight loss program is to compare it to another thing I am an expert in, giving financial advice. I have found an absolutely flawless system for making money in the stock market.  If you use this system profits will be guaranteed.  Ready?  “Buy low, and sell high.”  No secret, right?  The “what” to do is the easy part.  The “how” seems to be a bit more difficult.  It is the same with losing weight.

I can guarantee that you will lose weight if you follow this simple advice.  “Take in fewer calories than you use.”  Again the “what” is simple.  In fact, if you follow that advice long enough you will lose so much weight that, theoretically of course, you would disappear.

Dr. Hugh’s Miracle Weight Loss program

Step 1: If your weight is stable, but more than you would like it to be, then observe how much you eat during each day.  That means all your meals, snacks, drinks, nibbles, etc.  Be completely honest with yourself.

Step 2: Eat less than that.

Step 3: Do that long enough and you will disappear.

Okay, I’m just kidding.  The above is the “what” you need to do.  What follows is “how” I have been doing it.  There are 2 parts to the miracle diet.  First you need to take in fewer calories than you are used to, and second you need to burn a few more.

Part 1 – Taking in fewer calories

Patience

Take your time.  Since losing weight should lengthen your life span you don’t have to rush.  You have lots of time now.  You won’t lose all the weight you want in a week.  The only way to do that is liposuction.  And I have ruled that out as cheating.  There is another way.  You can lose as much as 5 kilos overnight.  It is called “food poisoning”.  I recommend holding that one back to use only as a last resort.

Achievable goals

Set goals that are achievable.  My goal is to lose 5 kilos and to keep them off.  Sure it would be nice to be like Oprah and wheel in a wagon of 50 pounds of lard and tell everyone that is how much weight you lost.  You know what.  Those 50 pounds of lard are back where they began. I want my loss to be permanent.

Cut out the bad stuff

Cokes, cookies, cakes, potato chips, Thai kanom, Mickie Ds, KFC, eating whipped cream directly from an aerosol spray can, should all be cut down or eliminated if possible. The hardest for me to cut out was Coke.  I think that there are more people in the world addicted to Coke the soft drink than coke the drug.   I was thinking of putting ice cream on this list but I am not that sadistic. Every once in a while I eat something really fatty like ice cream, or fried chicken skin,

or mangoes with sticky rice, not much but enough to make me feel good.  I mean, a life without fatty foods is not very much of a life, is it?

Cut down

Remember how much you usually eat. Then cut it down.  One scoop of rice becomes half a scoop.  Two bowls of noodles becomes one.  A banana becomes a half.  A half-dozen cookies becomes 3. Instead of the 4 scoops of ice cream at a sitting that you are used to, settle for 2.  When I drink juice, instead of pouring a full glass I pour half a glass and fill the rest with soda water.  Tastes great and is less filling.

Here is what I ate today: 1 small Chinese meat bun and a half glass of pineapple juice for breakfast; a bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon with a few potato chips for lunch; a papaya salad, chicken thigh and leg and a small baked potato for dinner; and lots of water and a few peanuts.

I want to eat more but don’t need to since am really not hungry.  If you don’t know how yet, meditation can help you differentiate what you “desire” from what you “need”. If you want to know what my normal food intake was, just triple the above.

Alcohol

Try to limit yourself to half of what you used to drink. If you are used to drinking 6 bottles of beer at a sitting (and what Exapt isn’t), then drink only 3.  I know that is a sacrifice, but remember, those movie cameras are waiting.  I myself don’t drink alcohol, used to, then got smart, and it has nothing to do with weight loss.

Alternatives

When you find yourself really wanting to eat, sometimes we want to eat even when we aren’t hungry, go take a shower, have sex, smell some flowers, practice your golf swing, play with your dog, or anything else that is really pleasant to do that doesn’t involved ingesting calories.

Motivation

Have I mentioned that movie star thing?  I am sure you can find some motivation of your own.  And tell as many people as you can what you are up to.  The more people rooting for you, lending support, the better.  And if you have a blog that is read by a couple thousand people you might want to write about it.

Feedback

Weigh yourself regularly to see how you are doing.  Regularly, for me, means every morning, before and after each meal, before going to bed, and any other time I pass by the scale, which I have conveniently placed in the middle of my bedroom.  Your level of obsessive-compulsive behavior is a good indicator of your chances for success.

Part 2 –  Burning more calories

The simple answer is to do more than you used to.  If you used to walk for 10 minutes a day, now walk for 20.  If you have stairs in the house, find a reason to go up and down them (except don’t be going down to the kitchen too often).  I have found that a simple yoga exercise called the “Sun Salutation” is very easy to do and will get your heart pumping.  Here is a link to a YouTube video to show you how it is done. Lift a few light weights and do some push ups while watching TV.  Find a project that will make you move around more than you normally do.  I just finished laying paving stones for a walkway.  Tomorrow I mow the lawn.  I think this, more than the weight loss, has made my wife happiest.

So how have I done?

I set my goal at losing 5 kilos (about 11 pounds) – not much but a very achievable goal. I achieved it in about 3 weeks. Not movie star status, Brad Pitt has nothing to be worried about, yet. I haven’t missed much although I think of Coke all the time. But I feel a little better when I look at my side view in the mirror now. I will plateau here for a while and then set another goal of 5 more kilos. Maybe more after that.

I am sure that it won’t be long before I will be able to say the following.

“All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close-up.”